What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 00:15
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I was scared of men, in general
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Who then, do I blame.?
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As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Which is the worst Bollywood movie you have ever seen and why?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
What is the best way to get revenge on people who hurt you?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Ive learnt so much.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
What do men find attractive in an older woman?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
What are some of the most annoying movie clichés?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I said to her
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why is it rare for someone to despise both the Democrats and Republicans?
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
When she asked me how she looked .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She loved him until the end.
I was 9 years of age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I write beautiful poetry .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
But ive been too sick for many years..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
We were not on the streets..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I have no regrets .
Was to survive, this bastard.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
She was in good health!
My life is so biszare .
I waited trembling.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And i lived it daily.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
What did i know ?
I will be 64.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I think the readers, may guess!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One cannot live in the past .
I was very sick at this time too.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
She found it foreign!.
This is soul school!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He resisted the act ,that day.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Would this be the day?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Put me off passion for life!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So, i spoilt her more .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
He knew the spot.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I never cut or harmed myself..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But, we were locked up after school.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Im still living with it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
My family never makes their pension either.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We all went to grammer schools
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So whats the point in blame.
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
As i do to all so called friends.?
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was seconnd youngest,
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I don,t even have a pension.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He was dying to do it , i knew.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
(And it was in our own minds.)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She married twice! .
All the time i was locked up.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Comes on , in middle age.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
But it wasn’t much.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It was going to be , some day.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Especially a lifetime of it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!